So they fired one of my favourite bosses last week.  He was widely known as one of the nicest people in the bank, whose style of working was so relaxed that there would be a queque of people ready to work with him. Largely pain-free and never the one to create additional work, it was mostly a stress-free experience to work for him.

So clearly, the process of being and staying as MD is quite self-selecting - the nicer you are, the less likely you are to survive. What about the plethora of political a$%holes posing as " senior management" OR the paranoid and pyschotic micro-managers who if they could would track with you a GPS and plant a camera in your ass for good measure - When are they ever asked to leave?

The bank's excuse is if you are not bringing in money, we are not doing charity. Fair enough - when these MD's are being paid the equivalent of a small fortune, you better be milking some gullible fool who is commonly called as a " client".

However, how about giving equal weightage in performance evaluation to leadership, team management and mentoring skills? Surely, to be a senior executive, people skills are as relevant, where employee engagement and motivation should be as important as retaining your clients.

In an environment where we work as hard as we do, it is almost shocking but I have not had even one conversation with any of my line managers about my " career path" or " goal -setting" or " developmental plan".  Whatever limited conversations you do have are fleeting, cursory and a mere formality. Consequently, when you see the few role models that you could try and emulate get fired, your motivation to stick around is severely reduced.

As one MD rightly hung a poster on his wall saying " I work for money, if you want loyalty - get a dog." 

Now this post is to understand & evaluate why there are such few women in the world of M&A - this is a question which has perplexed me for the longest time I have been here.

The adverse sex-ratio in a bank such as mine is not new or uncommon. However, with all the talk on breaking glass ceilings and ensuring women rise to the top, there is very little done to retain female talent. While recruiting in business school, there is definitely a big push to recruit more female Associates, that being said - that does not mean a less qualified woman would be hired over a man. It merely means that between two equally qualified candidates - being a woman could give you a slight advantage in a banking interview.

However, once you join it is a level playing field - sometimes a bit too level.  There are certain traits that I observed about the women who make it to senior management in an investment bank - a) they are extremely aggressive and dominating b) there is an obvious effort to subdue their femininity and c) they tend to be harsher and less empathetic than their male counterparts.

This I think stems from an inherent need to succeed in an testosterone - fueled environment, where any weakness or any display of feminine traits are seen as you being less capable or not up to the challenge. In order to succeed as a banker particularly in M&A - the sacrifices and hours that a person needs to put in to climb the proverbial ladder to success is I think physically and emotionally taxing particularly for a woman. After a point of time- she starts to think marriage, kids and of slowing down - which is a complete anti-thesis to being a cut-throat banker.
Not to say it can't be done - there are a few examples of women who made it to MD level albeit with an army of nannies and having multitude of stay-at-home husbands.

The question that begs to be asked if whether - can we ever have a Marissa Mayer type woman lead an Investment Bank, who embraces her femininity and carries her pregnancy as a talisman while steering a Fortune 500 company? For all talk about banks being equal opportunity employers - probably not!! 

An interesting incident at work is the inspiration for two posts in the same day. So, there was a fire scare in office today with the lady over the PA system going berserk claiming " There is a fire in the building, please note, there is a fire in the building ". The range of reactions from the zombies at work was between mild curiosity & indifference to utter disregard while they continued to dial away on conference calls, toil away on excel sheets and change chart colors on power point slides.

After 5 minutes of the unrelenting fire alarm - I look over at the only other sane person in the bank (my dear partner in crime), we decide that our lives are too precious to be wasted on asphyxiation and we decided to walk out of the building. On the way, being good samaritans, we also urged other co-workers/drones to perhaps heed to the incessant instructions. Some of the interesting responses that we got were - Cant you see I am in the middle of something or even better - You guys go ahead, I need to send something out.  Those last words were accompanied with a patronizing eyeball roll and " God, these guys are paranoid". 

So once we got out of office and made our way to the bar on exactly the other side of our famed building, we positioned ourselves with beers to patiently await the scenes of utter disaster since this was clearly the most exciting thing to happen to us all year. 

Imagining complete destruction and actually thinking - perhaps some people did need some good ol smoke up their arses, we played out dramatic scenes of bankers jumping out of the building, making jokes about fire marshals not willing to save us since we were not " innocent civilians" , wat we would do if someone was choking - the common consensus was that it depend on who was choking .... 

Alas, it just happened to be a false alarm - eventually, we all trooped back to office albeit a bit disappointed but clearly relieved to have a pretext for a drink at 4 pm on an idle Wednesday afternoon .... Such is  the high-rolling lives of bankers .....

" Oh, it was my birthday last week and I totally forgot " that beautiful phrase was uttered by a VP at work. While the rest of us stared at him in shocked silence, he said it with a small frown on his face as if contemplating the sheer futility and inconveniences of occasions such as birthdays, weddings and funerals. But the sad part of that statement was not that he forgot his own birthday but the fact that NOBODY else remembered it either !!! Not your own parents, your partner, close friends - no one remembered or bothered to call to even remind you - now that is truly depressing. It is an incredible feat to have an existence so isolated from people that not one person on this planet wanted to celebrate the day you were put on this earth !

So today's discussion was on introducing awards for the " Most Screwed Up Banker" - they would be named after recently deposed CEO's or out of favor Chairmans such as " The Bob Diamond award" or " Jamie Dimon Badge of Honor". Criteria for nomination would be ranging from - least amount of integrity,highest level of dishonesty, exemplary levels of social awkwardness, intellectual limitations, lowest levels of EQ, complete lack of leadership skills etc etc. I would nominate the above featured banker as a front runner but by all means, he will not be alone - he will be in esteemed company since there are many who would comfortably qualify for these awards. It will be a competitive process and a truly nail-biting race to the finish.

However, thats not to say that everyone in the bank is devoid of social skills - there are some duly charismatic, socially adept and highly intelligent bankers out there. There are also some junior bankers as well who want to essay the roles of leaders and take it upon themselves to practise their new found leadership skills on you. Some of them will utter real gems of wisdom in their attempts to motivate you out of your stupor - they almost see themselves as Messiah's guiding you to the holy land when they say things like

1. You are my flock and it is my job to take care you
2. I am your protector - so never fear to approach me. If you dont talk to me - I cant help you
3. If I could instill your values in every person in this firm, the world would be a better place
4. I can place my hand on my heart and assure you that you are one of the most valuable resources that we have
5. Life has a real design for you - but dont fight it, put your head down and work through these tough times

Now all of the above have been said when these people have screwed you over in some way or the other and they obviously confuse you for having the mind-space of a goldfish or a potted plant.

It is incredibly amusing to see how the people who work in instititions such as mine have enveloped themselves so completely in this bubble. I guess when you spend so much time at work - it is but natural(?) to allow yourself to be so completely consumed. Some ofcourse are more susceptible than others.

For the last 2 weeks I have been leaving at 7 pm and sometimes (gasp!!) even 5 pm in the evening (function of not being staffed) - I discovered there is a whole world out there - surprise surprise! It is wonderous to see the life through the eyes of  "regular " people. It truly is a novel experience ......

This week is the dreaded lay-over week. Business is bad, the bank is not making money and we are not doing any deals. Looking at the current macro-economic environment that hardly seems surprising. But ofcourse we will still run to all and sundry to pitch all sorts of possible alternatives - restructure your company, buy this company, sell this business, IPO that division. Some of the most outlandish suggestions have ranged from a merger of 2 tech giants or the IPO of a cash cow of a large utilities business or a reverse merger where very small companies should buy completely unrelated assets which they ofcourse cant afford!

But it is amusing - the bank is debating laying off people this week but at the same time is spending thousands of dollars installing "facilities monitors " which tells employees when the next toilet inspection is due and when the kitchen will be cleaned - yes, this is something which will dramatically improve the quality of my life. This is such a preposterous waste of money - I am tempted to send this example to Scott Adams to feature in the next Dilbert issue.

So, nowadays, the much repeated game around the associate class is " Who Will Be Fired" where it seems like getting fired is almost like a reward. Oft repeated sentences are " that guy does NOTHING the whole day - why does he deserve the redundancy package - this is so unfair !!" or " I have worked my ass off and they refuse to me fire me - I want the severance !!"  The reason why everybody covets this redundancy is two fold - 1) you get three months pay tax free and 2) you get a 3 month vacation under the guise of looking for future employment

Now, ofcourse this by no means is to disrespect all those folks who have families and liabilities - where losing their jobs is equivalent of a death knell. However, this above mentioned perverse stream of thought is exacerbated by the sense of absolute desperation and frustration of working here - where the idea of being paid to leave is such a pleasant idea that suddenly everyone wants to grab the " low hanging fruit".

I am told repeatedly by people who dont work in the bank - that I have been blessed to get the job I have, that I am in a luxury position, that there are millions of people who would die to do the same role - thats when I have to ask myself - Have I lost the sense to be thankful for all that I have? Have the daily frustrutions made me numb to all the good things in my life, Had I been unemployed - would I have envied those dark suits trudging to work everyday ? Is this really the worst that can happen to someone ?

Maybe not .... but if you simply look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs - these organisations meet your two basic needs - physiological and safety needs , everything on top of it - relationships, friendships, free time, sense of respect, recognition, space for creativity etc is all up for grabs ....So is there is a real basis to our unhappiness ... Maybe yes .....

If Gandhi worked for an investment bank, he would have discarded his theory on non-violence and peace a long time back. He would have have whipped off his effing loinscloth, wet it and whiplashed everyone from VP upwards.
I am convinced even the most pious saints and nuns would become scheming, manipulative creatures when surrounded by the daily frustrations and loathings of working in a bank. It is commonplace and routine to think of causing bodily harm to your colleagues and superiors - the more vicious the better. Even ancient Chinese torture tactics fall short.

For e.g. - in my recent project, for a presentation that is due on Tuesday and you find out a week in advance, one would think it is prudent to start working on the Monday (a week before the deadline), however, when your very fat and ugly VP only starts work on a Thursday night - you know its headed for disaster. Also, this is without the support of an analyst. Now, all those who work in banking and other related professions know HOW important an analyst is to the process - the analyst is the difference in you getting some sleep compared to getting none, the savior who you blame incase dung hits the fan, the beast of burden etc etc.

So when my friends all ask me why I need to work weekends most of the time - it cannot be just gross mismanagement.I think its a combination of incompetence and indifference. The truth is that your superiors just don't care. It does not matter to them if your weekends have been repeatedly ruined, if you haven't slept in days, if you are unwell - you are a payroll, a number without a face. Sometimes, they have moments of compassion - when you may be rewarded a night off on a Friday night only to be told that you must come on Saturday morning.

Understandably, we work in client - facing roles with stringent timelines and demanding clients, however, the number of fake deadlines, unnecessary urgency and life-or-death situations which are created by senior management are completely uncalled for. The sole reason for this is - We are a money-making,deal churning assembly line and every minute not spent working is fees not earned!

Now, I believe this behavior and appalling lack of empathy for human resources will continue till this industry flourishes. However, there has to be a tipping point - the banking industry is undergoing too much change, too much flak and too much criticism for them to continue to function with a blatant disregard of their employees. As regulation clamps down, as compensation scales dip and it is no longer lucrative to work in these professions - their ability to attract the best and the smartest will seriously come under question. Finally - then, perhaps they will start to realise the need to retain people and not continue to " burn people", no longer shall they have the scores of people lined up outside their door begging for jobs. One fine day - it could be that they open the proverbial doors of recruitment and find no one standing outside.

So in order to understand the day -to-day frustration that one goes through in the banking world, it is important for me to lay out the general scene of the various types of co-workers that I interact with.

1. Dilbert's Boss (DB) - I am convinced that Scott Adams works for an i-bank because the instances and people he writes about are uncannily similar if not identical to the people I work with including appearances! One of the people I currently happen to work for looks exactly and I do mean exactly like Dilbert's boss, the astonishing part is he also behaves the same way. Except he is more painful in real life than the comic strip - there I empathise with Dilbert, have a good laugh and set him aside, real life - happens to be a bit difficult. Working for him is like having in him in your brain 24/7, receiving emails like " Where are you "/" What is the progress"/ " What is the status'"/ " What is the update" until its hourly reporting almost equivalent to being in the armed forces reporting insurgency from the other side . Once, when we were expecting some obviously useless slides from another team - an hour after we spoke to them, he emailed me to ask " Are they working on their slides?" !!! Now - the only acceptable response to such an absurd question could only be " Negative, Commander - we do not, I repeat, we do not have a camera up the arse of the VP, so I cannot confirm or deny whether they are working on their slides or not " OR I could ignore the question - until of course he calls !! 
2. The Drama Queen (DQ) - Now, DQ actually happens to be a guy. But everyone of us has a Drama Queen in their office - the insufferable know it all,the kid in the first bench with the answer to every question, the busy bee, the gossip girl. Everything DQ does is with a flourish - the way he speaks on the phone( using very propah English interspersed with " You see/ Look/ That is correct/ Prima Facie"), to the all - knowing and patronizing head nod when asked a question, to even when he sees pictures of the Royal wedding at work (yes, really!!) and lusts after Kate Middleton's dress - he does it with an air of this is THE most important task of the day. His brisk and purposeful walk, the perpetual pre-occupied expression of business on his face, the look of being extremely busy even when he walks to the bathroom will be one of " I am going to close a multi-million dollar deal over the shit pot".  His most famous comment to date has been " I never irresponsibly book lottery holidays"  translates into "I never take holidays - Im a loser." 
3. Snoop - DAWG/ The Rockstar - Ooh - now, Snoop is what everyone in the bank wants to be. The real " baller" Associate , comes and goes as he pleases, has a set of his own clients, walks and talks like THE banker. The analysts want to be him, the women want to do him, the MDs want him to work with them - he will spend 2 hours in the gym, spend a few hours on the phone with "clients", another few hours browsing the internet and leave at 8 pm - the staffer seems to avoid him, VP's come and chat with him - he is the old hand who has nailed the system and knows where and how to squeeze it and better still - gets away with it. 
4. The Whiner - Now this is the associate who cribs to all and sundry every minute of every day. It is quite common to see him crib on the phone to his analyst, VP, ED, shoe -shine guy etc about his work load, his busy schedule, the weather, the tyres of his car etc etc .... Commonly heard from his desk are catch phrases such as " I am not an Arshole BUT i cannot do this work - you will have to do it ..." or even better " What is this, I am not some soccer ball to be kicked around .... " 
5. The Flirt - Now this is the guy who flirts with anything that is blonde and that moves. In some offices, this guy flirts with anything that moves but in my office in particular - this one likes his blondes. Even though he is fairly committed - I say fairly because along with having a roving eye, the rest of him follows as well when a blonde passes by ....
6. The Slacker - Ohh, this guy is the most interesting - to delegate is his life. His gym schedule, his diet, his upcoming wedding, his flat hunt - everything apart from work take precedence. Never takes ownership of his work, always dumps things on his poor analyst - yet, the few days he spends beyond 10pm is broadcasted with great enthusiasm over lunch/dinner conversations. If this person was to lift a pen from the floor - it will be a story narrated with much gusto - for e.g. it would go like this - You know, the other day - i got so screwed man, I was dumped with so much work - I actually, get this, I actually had to bend over, kneel forward, pick up this pen, straighten my back and come back to an upright position and I had to this urgently - do you know how bad that was, I am so tired man ... Doing this shit just exhausts me ". The day he would leave early after working late for 2 days (read leaving at 10 pm - yes, this is early for us bankers) it will be announced and then he will walk out of the door with the exaggerated posture of a much defeated and tired man. 

Then there are a few other interesting characters which not every bank may have but are so unique that the deserve a mention - 

1. Happy Feet - This guy roams around the office without his shoes on just in his socks. Earlier I thot it was to air his feet out - gave him the benefit of the doubt, but then he decides to go to the printer, get coffee, walk around the floor, go to the gym ... in just socks ! Not once but everyday - one has to wonder ........ 
2. Posture Man - Now this person actually has a special stool on which he sits on for close to 16 hours a day - back is ram-rod straight without any support. I still conjecture whether this meant to for some posture related problem or this is an ancient torture mechanism which the bank use to exert some special kind of discipline - " You there, today its your turn for The Stool and No, you CANT slouch " 

Thats all for now, folks. 

Arrivederici