So in order to understand the day -to-day frustration that one goes through in the banking world, it is important for me to lay out the general scene of the various types of co-workers that I interact with.
- Dilbert's Boss (DB) - I am convinced that Scott Adams works for an i-bank because the instances and people he writes about are uncannily similar if not identical to the people I work with including appearances! One of the people I currently happen to work for looks exactly and I do mean exactly like Dilbert's boss, the astonishing part is he also behaves the same way. Except he is more painful in real life than the comic strip - there I empathise with Dilbert, have a good laugh and set him aside, real life - happens to be a bit difficult. Working for him is like having in him in your brain 24/7, receiving emails like " Where are you "/" What is the progress"/ " What is the status'"/ " What is the update" until its hourly reporting almost equivalent to being in the armed forces reporting insurgency from the other side . Once, when we were expecting some obviously useless slides from another team - an hour after we spoke to them, he emailed me to ask " Are they working on their slides?" !!! Now - the only acceptable response to such an absurd question could only be " Negative, Commander - we do not, I repeat, we do not have a camera up the arse of the VP, so I cannot confirm or deny whether they are working on their slides or not " OR I could ignore the question - until of course he calls !!
- The Drama Queen (DQ) - Now, DQ actually happens to be a guy. But everyone of us has a Drama Queen in their office - the insufferable know it all,the kid in the first bench with the answer to every question, the busy bee, the gossip girl. Everything DQ does is with a flourish - the way he speaks on the phone( using very propah English interspersed with " You see/ Look/ That is correct/ Prima Facie"), to the all - knowing and patronizing head nod when asked a question, to even when he sees pictures of the Royal wedding at work (yes, really!!) and lusts after Kate Middleton's dress - he does it with an air of this is THE most important task of the day. His brisk and purposeful walk, the perpetual pre-occupied expression of business on his face, the look of being extremely busy even when he walks to the bathroom will be one of " I am going to close a multi-million dollar deal over the shit pot". His most famous comment to date has been " I never irresponsibly book lottery holidays" translates into "I never take holidays - Im a loser."
- Snoop - DAWG/ The Rockstar - Ooh - now, Snoop is what everyone in the bank wants to be. The real " baller" Associate , comes and goes as he pleases, has a set of his own clients, walks and talks like THE banker. The analysts want to be him, the women want to do him, the MDs want him to work with them - he will spend 2 hours in the gym, spend a few hours on the phone with "clients", another few hours browsing the internet and leave at 8 pm - the staffer seems to avoid him, VP's come and chat with him - he is the old hand who has nailed the system and knows where and how to squeeze it and better still - gets away with it.
- The Whiner - Now this is the associate who cribs to all and sundry every minute of every day. It is quite common to see him crib on the phone to his analyst, VP, ED, shoe -shine guy etc about his work load, his busy schedule, the weather, the tyres of his car etc etc .... Commonly heard from his desk are catch phrases such as " I am not an Arshole BUT i cannot do this work - you will have to do it ..." or even better " What is this, I am not some soccer ball to be kicked around .... "
- The Flirt - Now this is the guy who flirts with anything that is blonde and that moves. In some offices, this guy flirts with anything that moves but in my office in particular - this one likes his blondes. Even though he is fairly committed - I say fairly because along with having a roving eye, the rest of him follows as well when a blonde passes by ....
- The Slacker - Ohh, this guy is the most interesting - to delegate is his life. His gym schedule, his diet, his upcoming wedding, his flat hunt - everything apart from work take precedence. Never takes ownership of his work, always dumps things on his poor analyst - yet, the few days he spends beyond 10pm is broadcasted with great enthusiasm over lunch/dinner conversations. If this person was to lift a pen from the floor - it will be a story narrated with much gusto - for e.g. it would go like this - You know, the other day - i got so screwed man, I was dumped with so much work - I actually, get this, I actually had to bend over, kneel forward, pick up this pen, straighten my back and come back to an upright position and I had to this urgently - do you know how bad that was, I am so tired man ... Doing this shit just exhausts me ". The day he would leave early after working late for 2 days (read leaving at 10 pm - yes, this is early for us bankers) it will be announced and then he will walk out of the door with the exaggerated posture of a much defeated and tired man.
Then there are a few other interesting characters which not every bank may have but are so unique that the deserve a mention -
- Happy Feet - This guy roams around the office without his shoes on just in his socks. Earlier I thot it was to air his feet out - gave him the benefit of the doubt, but then he decides to go to the printer, get coffee, walk around the floor, go to the gym ... in just socks ! Not once but everyday - one has to wonder ........
- Posture Man - Now this person actually has a special stool on which he sits on for close to 16 hours a day - back is ram-rod straight without any support. I still conjecture whether this meant to for some posture related problem or this is an ancient torture mechanism which the bank use to exert some special kind of discipline - " You there, today its your turn for The Stool and No, you CANT slouch "
Thats all for now, folks.